Tuesday, February 26, 2013

The Girl Scout Cookie Diet

We've all heard of the South Beach diet, the Atkins diet, Weight Watchers, and various cleansing diets.  They all have pros and cons.

I feel it is time for me to share my Girl Scout Cookie Diet.
It's perfect for vegetarians or carnivores.  There is no counting points and no counting calories.  You just need to have a strong desire to eat your weight in Girl Scout cookies to try something new.

As I said in Those Cookie-Pushing Girl Scouts!, I really do think there is crack-cocaine in Girl Scout cookies.  Why else would we spend so much money on a cookie?  My diet takes advantage of the crack-cocaine cookie goodness so you don't even feel like you're dieting.

These cookies really are perfect for breakfast, lunch, or dinner.

After doing much research, I believe one can supplement Girl Scout cookies for actual food.  Perhaps this diet isn't right for everyone, but this will be my diet until I run out of crack-cocaine cookies. In other words, this is really a one or two day diet unless you purchase several cases of cookies.

You can thank me later:


Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Start the day off right with a fistful of the powdery goodness of Savannah Smiles.  This cookie is practically a fruit with its lemony goodness. Two to three fistfuls of these cookies is the equivalent of one serving of fruit.

Follow that with crispy but light Trefoils.  These are a perfect breakfast scone-like treat. I've personally decided that one box is the equivalent of a rationally sized breakfast.


Even if you are in a hurry, this lunch comes together quickly.

The Do-Si-dos are like a gourmet peanut butter sandwich.  A dozen Do-Si-dos equals half a sandwich.  Do not feel bad about eating two dozen cookies. There's peanut butter in these cookies and that means protein. You need protein.

Don't forget to have another serving of fruit so shove a few more fistfuls of Savannah Smiles in your mouth. Mmmmm.

Afternoon Snack:

You are now probably feeling a bit shaky.  This is perfectly normal.
Once you eat an entire box of Tagalongs, you'll start to feel much better.  The chocolate serves as a little dose of caffeine your body needs mid-afternoon, while the peanut butter on a crisp wafer is the perfect balance of protein and carbohydrates.

I find taking two ibuprofen at this point also helps.


Serve your family a normal dinner.  Pick something that requires very little thought on your part because, quite frankly, you are probably having a difficult time concentrating at this point.  Might I suggest a can of ravioli, or something? Don't forget to heat it or your family will become suspicious.

Trust me, you do not want to share your diet with them because they will then want your cookies or they will judge you.  Neither is very helpful to your effort to follow the Girls Scout Cookie Diet.

After your family is fed, open a box of Somoas and eat the entire box.  The coconut and chocolate will revive your spirit.

Again, have about two or three fistfuls of Savannah Smiles.  Fruit is a very important part of a healthy diet.

For dessert, treat yourself to a sleeve of Thin Mints.  You deserve it!

Congratulate yourself on sticking to your diet.
Who says diets are hard?

Sunday, February 24, 2013

A Nearly Naked Man in a Tub with a Drill

know the title sounds a little like the beginning or ending of a really bad joke.  

It's no joke.  It's my life!

Before I explain to you, dear reader, the reason I found my husband nearly naked in the bathtub with a cordless drill in his hand, I feel compelled to say, for the umpteenth time, I've got to learn to censor myself.  

Why do I feel absolutely driven to divulge this kind of information?  

Although it's a rhetorical question, I think the answer rests in my undaunted belief that someone out there in cyberspace will realize how wonderful their life actually is in comparison to my own.  Thus, I've done a good cyberspace deed.  OR someone will read this and think, "Yeah, the same thing happened to me!" Thus, I've done a good cyberspace deed again by proving to that poor soul that she isn't the only idiot on the planet.  Otherwise, I'm just completely embarrassing myself which would be no different from any other day.

None of this, of course, changes the fact that I saw my husband walking through the house in his bathrobe carrying his drill.  And by "drill" I mean his cordless drill.

I was curious and followed him.  

I found him in the bathtub, hunched over the bathtub drain, unscrewing the drain with his drill. Again, people, I'm being literal. It really was a drill.  

A clogged drain.  
Uh-oh. That cannot be good.

The water was suddenly not draining well, and he wanted to fix it.

Well, now I'm embarrassed.  I had just finished showering. The drain wasn't clogged when I showered.  I apparently had clogged it with one shower.   Impressive, right?

Stay with me.

I joined an aqua aerobics class recently because my foot hurts, and I wanted physical activity that wouldn't hurt my foot.  Before I get all the blame in this story, I need to add that my hubby is a health-nut and he encouraged me to join the aqua aerobics class.  He's partly to blame for the darn drain. 

Well, it's not really my fault I had to put on a swimsuit in the dead of winter.  The pool rules insist I wear a swimsuit while in the pool.  I would have preferred yoga pants and and a sweater, but I don't make the pool rules.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

It's the dead of winter and I'm hairy.  My winter coat is in full swing by mid January and nowhere near swimsuit ready.  Nowhere near it!

I had some serious landscaping to do if I was going to venture into a public area in a swimsuit.  I didn't want to scare young children. Plus it's hunting season in these parts, and I was looking a little like Sasquatch in a one piece swimsuit.  There is a show "Finding Bigfoot" and had they stumbled upon me pre-shave, they would have sworn they found their Bigfoot.  God bless Gillette. 

So there you have it.  I single-handedly managed to clog up the bathtub drain with my 6 pounds of shaved off hair.  

I would be more disgusted by this had I not just lost several pounds of weight in hair.

Hey, a pound is a pound. 

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Just Another Example of Why I Stink at Parenting 

Leave it to our children to remind us of how awful we are at parenting. 

I have countless examples to prove this statement, but I'm only going to share one. I think you'll agree I totally stink!

My daughter has been complaining for days weeks months months and months that she cannot see well.

"Schedule eye appointment for daughter" has been on my to-do list for days weeks months months and months. In fairness, my to-do lists are as long as a Steinbeck novel.  

Eventually the appointment was made. Even longer thereafter, the appointment occurred. The results were conclusive. My daughter needs glasses.

She is thrilled about this because blindness sucks nearly as much as I do she has friends with glasses and she thinks glasses are cool.

Finally the glasses arrive. I am estimating the glasses arrived a good 8-9 months following her first complaints about her blurry vision. Yes, I am a horrible less than perfect mother!

She wears the glasses home from the appointment.  During the entire car ride she gleefully announces obvious things while inadvertently making me feel like a total failure!

"Look at the leaves on that tree!"
"I had no idea those houses had so many details!"
"I love being able to see!"

Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Everyone knows vision is a plus.  Who wouldn't want to be able to see clearly...?
(Insert the sound of a record scratching)
My daughter?  What??

She's had her glasses for less than a week and guess what.
Go ahead. Guess.

She doesn't think they are "cool" anymore.
These beautiful, expensive, took-forever-to-pick-out-just-the-right-pair glasses are not cool anymore.

She's a little embarrassed to wear them at school which incidentally is the number one place I think she should wear them. She's choosing blurry vision instead of clear eyesight.  Apparently months and months of blurry vision as led her to believe she can, if absolutely necessary, make due without seeing.

I'm going to stop beating myself up about this, and go back to my unending "to do" list.

Next up..."Make orthodontia appointment for children."

This ought to be fun!

Monday, February 18, 2013

Happy Birthday, Ohio University!

(No lip-syncing...)
Happy Birthday to you.  Happy Birthday to you.  Happy birthday, dear OU--whoo... Happy birthday to you!

On February 18, 1804, the General Assembly of Ohio passed an act to establish "an university in the town of Athens."

This makes Ohio University the best and oldest university in Ohio.  In fact, it is also the best and oldest university in the Northwest Territory.  In truth, it remains the best university in the entire nation even though there are several older institutions.

Am I biased?
No.  Why ever would you even think so?

Why is Ohio University the best university in the free world?

Just ask any alumnus of Ohio University.  Any proud Bobcat can rattle off a zillion reasons why O.U. is excellent.

Here are my top 5 reasons why OU is the best university:

5.  The gorgeous scenery. Beautiful brick buildings sit along the Hocking River surrounded by lovely rolling hills.  Southeastern Ohio is a beautiful part of the state and a beautiful area of our country. Of course, it would be home to a beautiful university!

4.  My Bobcat friends.  OU buddies are the best! They are HILLARIOUS (even when sober), smart, and compassionate. They're easy on the eyes, too.  You do know Matt Lauer attended OU, right?  Did you know he touched my arm once in The Crystal on Court Street near campus?  It's true!  Yeah, it was awesomeness.

3.  That hard to describe Bobcat spirit. Basically, it's best illustrated by:
  • Watching the alumni band during their annual homecoming halftime show.
  • O...H...I...O.  That cheer NEVER gets old.
  • Going to "after hour" parties when the bars close at 2 A.M. because there's still plenty of partying to do before dawn.
  • Ohio University's win against University of Michigan during their 2012 March Madness run.
  • Arriving as a homesick freshman and then hoping you can't finish in four years because 5th year seniors have even more fun!
2.  Ohio University is home. Many of us arrive as 18 year olds from far off places. We are young, naive, and ready to have fun learn.  We have so much fun learning, we never leave. We go from being Ohio University students to becoming townies.  The Athens community is a great place to take root.  Want to explore the Athens area more?  Check this out:  Athens, Ohio

1.  And the number one reason Ohio University is the best?  We aren't Ohio State University.
Not even close!  Please don't confuse the two universities. That happens to be the number one way to honk off an Ohio University Bobcat.

Ohio University, you sure make 209 years old look good!

If only we could take OU uptown and buy him a pint (or two) at The Pub!
OU, Oh Yeah!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Darn 4th Grade Projects

As best as I can tell, 4th grade should be renamed "The Year of the Projects."

If it's not a diorama then it is some other project involving recyclables, glue, and countless hours heckling your 9 year old to "get organized."  I might as well be speaking Latin.

In our house, these school projects take on a life of there own.  You may not think a 4th grade project would involves 20 feet of rope, metal clips, lag screws, wood screws, eyeholes, garden ties, plywood, plumbing pipe, and part of an old toilet paper holder, but then you clearly don't have the same vision as my ten year old.

This most recent 4th grade project was to create a simple machine.
The directions were clear.  Create a simple machine (something with a lever, wheel and axle, pulley, inclined plane, wedge, or screw).  Draw the project on paper with clear labels.  The finished project must move a valentine card at least six inches. There must be something on the box that measures 12 inches long, 6 inches long, and 1 inch long.

After reading those instructions, something else became clear. I would be no use to to my son.  I hate projects. I stopped comprehending the instructions after the word "simple."

My creative son quickly got to work drawing a rough draft of his idea.  I saw the sketch.  I thought it was ambitious and would require assistance from a civil engineer.

My hubby, who is not a civil engineer, loves starting projects. He's not as big a fan about finishing them. He just loves starting them.  And he sure loved our son's idea!  I mean really...what's not to love about an excuse to bring out all of your dusty power tools while making multiple trips to the hardware store? Can you ever have too many screws?

At one point, my son referred to my hubby as Clark Griswold.  When I asked him why, he laughed saying, "Because Clark Griswold is always so optimistic, but it never works out for him."

After hearing this, my poor Clark hubby was hell-bent on getting an A on his son's 4th grade project.  Despite its size, I believe my hubby and son nailed it. No pun intended!

I am going out on a limb here by saying a more humongous 4th grade project does not exist.

You have no idea how "happy" this makes me since my son wants to, of course, keep this project for the rest of his life.  Finding a place to store this contraption may require building an addition onto our home.  I voiced this concern to my hubby, but he was too busy playing with his son's contraption to hear what I was saying.   

My fingers are crossed that the next 4th grade project (and I'm sure there will be another one!) will include instructions to keep it smaller than a breadbox.   Please?

Saturday, February 9, 2013


The other night I went to a drag show  Diva show a show involving men impersonating famous female singers.  This was a fun event to raise money for a good cause. It just goes to show what I will do to get away from my kids on a Friday night in the name of philanthropy. 

I have noooo idea how to be politically correct about this experience.  This should surprise no one since I am PC impaired.  I can be PI (politically incorrect) without even trying so imagine the damage I will do with this topic.

This was my first ... um ... show of this nature.

The show raised all sorts of torrid questions while forcing me to realize a few painful truths.

Truth #1:  The boobies of female impersonators are perkier and firmer than my own.
Question:  How do I know the female impersonators' ta-tas are firmer?
Answer:  I touched a pair, of course!  I did mention this was all in the name of charity, right? That money I shoved down Annie Lennox's brassiere went to a good cause. Honest, mom!

Truth #2:  I am nearly clueless when it comes to knowing anything about country singers.
Question:  Who is Lorrie Morgan?
Answer:  I have no idea! BUT her female impersonator is HOT!

Truth #3:  My friends are awesome fun, but they know nothing about human anatomy.
Truth#4:  Female impersonators have a mesmerizingly smooth panty line.
Question:  Where do female impersonators hide their ding-a-lings?
Answer:  I'm still trying to figure this out. My friends think perhaps some parts of the junk are shoved up a body cavity while I'm of the opinion duct tape is involved.

Truth #5:  My husband thinks I have a perverse brain.
Question: What would your husband say if the first thing you asked him upon waking was, "If you had to hide your private parts, could you shove them up into your body somehow?" Seriously, I double-dog dare you to go ask your hubby this question.
Answer (after a very long pause with a completely perplexed expression):  "I suppose you might be able to if you were really small."

It's an illusion to believe I have fully digested the experience of this fun-raiser.
What is not an illusion is my friends are awesome. They are beautiful, funny, smart women who can organize a great event, support a great cause, and encourage me to write a silly blog all about it!

Thursday, February 7, 2013

10 Reasons Parenting Magazine Doesn't Ask for My Parenting Insights

From my perspective, there are 10 reasons why I am not excelling at motherhood. I'm totally psyched about this because I really thought the list would be longer!

There are 10 completely different reasons why my kids may think I'm not excelling at this whole parenting gig. Let's not focus on those 10 items. After all, they are just stupid kids.

Try not to judge me too harshly, but here's why I'm no parenting expert:

10.  I never believe my children are sick unless I see blood or vomit. I am outrageously unimpressed when a child sneezes in my vicinity and says her throat hurts. Yeah, right. Nice try! Off to school you go!

9.  I think God made really smart people who then made really amazing vaccinations. If a doctor says my child needs three shots in his eyeball to keep swine-flu-bug-measle-mumps from infecting him, then I will help the smart doctor hold my son down to administer those shots.  No, I don't have any questions. I never was good about questioning authority.

8.  I hate play dates.

7.  Hate does not begin to describe how I feel about sleepovers.

6.  I have served my kiddos beige dinners. Those carb lovers love me for it, but I know a vegetable should make an appearance on their plate at dinner.

5.  Of course, I eat some of their Halloween and Easter candy. That goes without saying, right?  But I also hide really good chocolate in places where my greedy children won't think to look.  For example, in one of the high cabinets behind mixing bowls. Then when they catch me eating it, I lie and tell them I have broccoli in my mouth.

4.  I buy my daughter black snow boots, black gloves, black jackets, etc so I can make her younger brother wear her hand-me-downs. In fairness, I think that's rather kind of me. Much nicer than making him wear her old, pink, Disney princess boots.

3.  I make fun of my own children behind their backs while talking with other moms. I have got to stop this, but honestly I think I'll wait until they grow up and stop acting ridiculous. They will stop acting ridiculous someday right?

2.  I don't know the answers to their 72 million daily questions. After getting tired of saying "I don't know" 72 million times each day, I just started making shit stuff up.  The sky is blue because God made it that way, shooting stars are magic, and people never have sex unless they want to make a baby.

1.  I love them so much I sometimes don't have adequate words for it, and I worry I don't say it enough.  I'm often too busy asking them to pick up dirty socks, clean rooms, eat vegetables, do homework, be respectful, wash hair, and be quiet.

If nothing else, take a moment and hug your children tightly.   Tell them you love them...even if that is an understatement.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Super Bowl 2013 Recap

Did you see this year's Super Bowl? 

And what I really mean is did you see the commercials?

And what I really mean, ladies, is did you see the Calvin Klein underwear commercial?

Hello, Calvin Klein!

Talk about good advertising. I immediately had the urge to run out and buy my hubby Calvin Klein undies.  I'm hoping they come with the same amazing abdominal muscles as in that commercial.  Otherwise it's kind of like false advertising.

I'm being totally sexist, right?

Imagine if my hubby admitted his hope that my boobies would stand at attention and my thighs would firm up upon putting on Victoria Secret apparel.  Yes, I would dig a shallow grave in my backyard and put his Calvin Klein wearing ass in it.

No, there are no undies on the planet that suddenly create perky boobies and firm thighs.  Oh, how I wish!

Clearly, the Calvin Klein commercial was the crown jewel of the Super Bowl commercials, although Taco Bell's seniors rocked it as did Budweiser's Clydesdale.  Of course, Ram Truck's "So God made a Farmer" commercial is also a winner.

Now about that Go Daddy commercial...
My hubby tells me it took 40 plus takes to get the kiss just right. That poor, round, bespectacled child needed to kiss that skanky, blond model multiple times before getting the kiss "just right."  That's a strong work ethic!  I'm amazed by his ability to persevere.

The commercial was upsetting to me because it was one of the more slurpy-like kisses I've heard in some time.  It's hard to eat wings while listening to two people slurpy kiss.
I nearly lost my appetite.  Nearly, but not quite.  I still managed to suck down wings, beer, pizza, and chips.

Needless to say, I could really use some magical undies right about now!

Watch the "So God made a Farmer" video, share it with others, and the Ram brand makes a donation.  Help them raise $1 million to support FFA and assist in local hunger and educational programs.  Click here or go to http://www.ramtrucks.com/en/keepplowing/ for more information.

Friday, February 1, 2013


It's February and we all know what that means.

Only five more months until the heir to England's throne is born!
Sound the alarms, organize a parade, mark your calendar...England is getting a new baby!

Not to be outdone, of course, the Kardashian's are also planning to produce a summer baby.

February is the month when we hate those lucky people who get to escape to the Caribbean, while secretly plotting ways we could visit a warm place.  Maybe if I sell all of the "treasures" in my basement on eBay I'll be able to save enough money to buy a poster of the beach.  That wouldn't help my mood in the slightest, but I've got so much junk in my basement.  So.  Much.  Junk. I guess the warmest place I'll see this February is the inside of my oven. That thing hasn't been cleaned since 2011.

Now is a good time to officially ditch those New Year's resolutions, if you even made it this long.  It's hard to hold fast to resolutions while simultaneously buying Girl Scout cookies in bulk.  Loose weight, exercise...wait! Is that a thin mint order form...?

February is also as good a month as any to take down those outside Christmas lights. (I REALLY hope my hubby is reading this.). No one is seriously going to believe those white icicle lights are actually Valentine's day lights, right?

Speaking of which, Valentine's Day is just around the corner.  Chocolate? Wine? Chocolate wine?  I'll take one of each, thank you.

Thanks to global warming it's likely balmy in parts of the country where it is normally cold, and it's likely frigid in places that are normally hot as hell.

If the groundhog sees his shadow this month, I'm moving to the Caribbean.  Or at least switching to a really cool Caribbean screen saver at work.

February is the only month that can make 28 days feel like all eternity.

Spring, I cannot wait to see you!