Thursday, February 7, 2013

10 Reasons Parenting Magazine Doesn't Ask for My Parenting Insights

From my perspective, there are 10 reasons why I am not excelling at motherhood. I'm totally psyched about this because I really thought the list would be longer!

There are 10 completely different reasons why my kids may think I'm not excelling at this whole parenting gig. Let's not focus on those 10 items. After all, they are just stupid kids.

Try not to judge me too harshly, but here's why I'm no parenting expert:

10.  I never believe my children are sick unless I see blood or vomit. I am outrageously unimpressed when a child sneezes in my vicinity and says her throat hurts. Yeah, right. Nice try! Off to school you go!

9.  I think God made really smart people who then made really amazing vaccinations. If a doctor says my child needs three shots in his eyeball to keep swine-flu-bug-measle-mumps from infecting him, then I will help the smart doctor hold my son down to administer those shots.  No, I don't have any questions. I never was good about questioning authority.

8.  I hate play dates.

7.  Hate does not begin to describe how I feel about sleepovers.

6.  I have served my kiddos beige dinners. Those carb lovers love me for it, but I know a vegetable should make an appearance on their plate at dinner.

5.  Of course, I eat some of their Halloween and Easter candy. That goes without saying, right?  But I also hide really good chocolate in places where my greedy children won't think to look.  For example, in one of the high cabinets behind mixing bowls. Then when they catch me eating it, I lie and tell them I have broccoli in my mouth.

4.  I buy my daughter black snow boots, black gloves, black jackets, etc so I can make her younger brother wear her hand-me-downs. In fairness, I think that's rather kind of me. Much nicer than making him wear her old, pink, Disney princess boots.

3.  I make fun of my own children behind their backs while talking with other moms. I have got to stop this, but honestly I think I'll wait until they grow up and stop acting ridiculous. They will stop acting ridiculous someday right?

2.  I don't know the answers to their 72 million daily questions. After getting tired of saying "I don't know" 72 million times each day, I just started making shit stuff up.  The sky is blue because God made it that way, shooting stars are magic, and people never have sex unless they want to make a baby.

1.  I love them so much I sometimes don't have adequate words for it, and I worry I don't say it enough.  I'm often too busy asking them to pick up dirty socks, clean rooms, eat vegetables, do homework, be respectful, wash hair, and be quiet.

If nothing else, take a moment and hug your children tightly.   Tell them you love them...even if that is an understatement.

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