Wednesday, October 3, 2012

10 Reasons Why I Can Never Be President

Oh, let me count the ways!

There are actually a little over 16 million reasons why I would never make it as President of the United States of America.

For starters, there are at least 10 reasons why I could never make it successfully through a national debate.

10.  I cannot go 90 minutes without peeing.  I've tried.  I just can't. I have yet to see a nominee ask nice Jim Lehrer if they can take a wee little break to go number 1.

9.  I don't always think clearly on my feet. If lovely Jim Lehrer asked me what national issue is of the greatest concern, I am fairly certain I would blurt out, "Bacon shortage!"  That's right. I wouldn't even be able to put it in a full sentence. I would answer it like a contestant on a game show.

8.  I would definitely end up yelling at someone.  Sweet Jim Lehrer clearly tells the candidates there are time limits, but no one seems to pay attention to that.  I'm a rule follower.  Stop talking and stay on topic!!  I'm fairly certain I would yell this at my opponent during the debate.

7.  Neither candidate in the history of national debates has ever reached under the podium and pulled out a Cosmopolitan. I would totally do that.  Kind Jim Lehrer would tell me I have two minutes to talk about world peace and I would reach under the podium and pull out a Cosmo.  I would then likely look into the camera, smile, and say "Cheers!" before guzzling it on live television.

6.  Eye rolling is not an effective form of communication.  I have a bad habit. When I hear stupid stuff, my eyes literally start rolling around in my sockets. I am seemingly helpless to stop this from occurring especially after drinking cosmopolitans.

5.  On a related note, the F-bomb is not presidential.

4.  I do not have a single presidential-looking outfit to wear to a national debate. Clearly I don't own a red or a blue tie.  I do have a solid red dress, but I always feel like an obscenely large little orphan Annie when I wear it. I would be too self conscious to wear it during a national debate. And I would need to buy new shoes.

3.  I would giggle. Yep, also un-presidential. While my opponent pontificates about the economy, I would giggle while singing in my head, "I'm running for pres-i-dent!  I'm running for pres-i-dent!"

2.  My husband would be sitting in the front row not listening to me.  I would find this greatly distracting and would likely call him out on it.  "Hey, honey! Are you even LISTENING to me?"

1.  The debates don't start until 9 PM Eastern time.  This is awfully close to my bedtime. Unless I could wear my sexy flannel pajamas to the debate, I would obviously have to decline my nomination.

No, I could never be POTUS.

BUT I am absolutely ready to be a voter. Don't forget to register to vote!


  1. I am right with you on #10 and #6. And when he said I could not take a potty break, I fear my eyes would roll so hard, I'd give msyelf a seizure. I would also have a very hard time not yelling out "WHAT??? That's just ridiculous. What is WRONG with you!" when my opponent said stupid things. And I too think so poorly on my feet. An hour later and I Have the best comebacks ever. But in the moment? I am a babbling fool.

    1. I'm fairly certain yelling would be the demise of my campaign. This would probably lead to more yelling and, of course, eye rolling!

  2. Funny! Yep, #2 would be hard to get around, but I am pretty sure I have heard the candidates do #3...

    1. Now that I think about it, candidates have trouble with #6, too!

  3. Fantastic! Wonderful to recognize your limitations and such a timely post. I will now be thinking of all these things during the next debate and snickering my way through ;) #1, 2 & 3 are awesome, but #10 and #7 would completely disqualify me too for sure.

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