Researchers and physicians are saying bad things about you on the news. I know it's not true. I still love you.
Those rumor-spreading scientists can say what they want about your friends, Hot Dog and Bologna. I just want them to stop talking smack about you. You are salty, crispy, and worthy of a little more respect than those mystery meats you hang with in the grocery store. You're pork, damn it. Give the pig some cred.
Hotdogs may have traces of human DNA in them. Yes, that's disgusting and wrong, but it has NOTHING to do with you, Bacon.
Bacon, you want people to get along. No one has ever heard of a fight or argument erupting while people are enjoying Bacon. Plenty of fights occur at picnics and BBQs. That ain't Bacon's fault. Once again, it's Hot Dog causing a commotion. Bacon just wants everyone's day to get off on the right foot. Bacon, you are a lover not a fighter. They even started flavoring vodka in honor of you. Clearly, there are no plans in the works for a Bologna flavored vodka. That would be wrong. You know what's, right? Bacon flavored flavored anything.
Let's just agree that nobody looks forward to an L.T. sandwich at the end of the day. If there is no B in that sandwich you're basically eating a salad. You make salads better. Bacon, you make everything better.
Bacon, you had me at sssazzizzle. You are what's right about a pig. Bacon, you are the best!
The FDA seems to forget that everybody dies from something someday. Bacon, I'll go down with you.