My mouth has literally become the most impressive garbage disposal in North America.
I can shove anything in there and it disappears instantly.
I know everyone thinks November and December are bad dieting months. Everyone is busy making cookies and candies. Large dinners are prepared and served. Leftovers are consumed in record amounts.
Yeah, I get it. It's a total bitch to diet in November and December. I won't argue that.
Once the dust from the holiday settles, I can't just stop the beast. She's been feeding since November and she won't go quietly into hibernation. No way. She needs fed. Feed her!
Adding to the problem is the fact I know a bunch of generous people. You know who you are. Honestly, every person I saw between December 1st and January 1st gave me either candies, cookies, chocolate, or wine. My friends know me so well!
How could I refuse them? Did it ever even occur to me to re-gift these baggies of goodness? Hello? Of course not!
I just spent the last month shoveling all that goodness into me via my attached garbage disposal. Mmmmm, mmmmm, and mmmmm.
Now it's January and I can't just turn the switch off. Noooo, I don't have that kind of willpower.
The monster needs fed and that monster is me. Specifically my mouth, the largest most effective garbage disposal in all the land.
The other day I stood in front of the refrigerator. I may have initially intended to clean out the refrigerator - as in throw items away. Instead I decided to clean it out by eating as much as I possibly could while standing in front of it. I didn't even bother fixing a plate of food. I just snacked right from the fridgelike a poorly trained man.
I would tell you what I ate, but I don't want you to lose all respect for me. Oh, hell, who am I kidding?
I had a fistful of garlic stuffed olives, four spoonfuls of cheese spread, a bite (or two) of mashed potatoes, a slice of pumpkin roll, a chunk of pork, and a diet coke. Don't point out the irony, I'm well aware of it.
I would have stopped myself after the olives, but I'm kind of scared to come between me and cheese.
Had I been thinking clearly in December, I would have asked Santa for a muzzle. Or, at the very least, a little self-control.
I can shove anything in there and it disappears instantly.
I know everyone thinks November and December are bad dieting months. Everyone is busy making cookies and candies. Large dinners are prepared and served. Leftovers are consumed in record amounts.
Yeah, I get it. It's a total bitch to diet in November and December. I won't argue that.
Once the dust from the holiday settles, I can't just stop the beast. She's been feeding since November and she won't go quietly into hibernation. No way. She needs fed. Feed her!
Adding to the problem is the fact I know a bunch of generous people. You know who you are. Honestly, every person I saw between December 1st and January 1st gave me either candies, cookies, chocolate, or wine. My friends know me so well!
How could I refuse them? Did it ever even occur to me to re-gift these baggies of goodness? Hello? Of course not!
I just spent the last month shoveling all that goodness into me via my attached garbage disposal. Mmmmm, mmmmm, and mmmmm.
Now it's January and I can't just turn the switch off. Noooo, I don't have that kind of willpower.
The monster needs fed and that monster is me. Specifically my mouth, the largest most effective garbage disposal in all the land.
The other day I stood in front of the refrigerator. I may have initially intended to clean out the refrigerator - as in throw items away. Instead I decided to clean it out by eating as much as I possibly could while standing in front of it. I didn't even bother fixing a plate of food. I just snacked right from the fridge
I would tell you what I ate, but I don't want you to lose all respect for me. Oh, hell, who am I kidding?
I had a fistful of garlic stuffed olives, four spoonfuls of cheese spread, a bite (or two) of mashed potatoes, a slice of pumpkin roll, a chunk of pork, and a diet coke. Don't point out the irony, I'm well aware of it.
I would have stopped myself after the olives, but I'm kind of scared to come between me and cheese.
Had I been thinking clearly in December, I would have asked Santa for a muzzle. Or, at the very least, a little self-control.
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