Sunday, January 6, 2013

How to Resolve Cruise Envy

I've got a bad, bad case of cruise envy.

It's not my fault. I blame it entirely on friends who have the audacity to escape the real world and go on a weeklong cruise in January.

You know what I get to do in January?
Hang out in Ohio.  Woohoo!

It's a well known fact I don't cope well when friends go to exotic places or even when they travel to non-exotic places like a nice mall with a Starbucks.

These friends totally and completely deserve and need a cruise to a tropical location. I want them to go and have fun.  Truly, I do.

I also need to get a grip on my cruise envy.
To cope with my feelings, I have no other choice than to squeeze myself into their luggage as a stowaway create a cruise-like atmosphere right here in my own home.

Here's how I plan to do this:

1.  I'm turning the thermostat up to 87 degrees.  We just spent a small fortune getting an entirely new heating and cooling system so I might as well test it, right? Look out, electric bill, you are going up this month!  Of course, I'll need to mask off nearly every window and door in plastic wrap because it gets rather drafty in here.  And with the cost of electricity going up, this may cost me as much as an actual cruise.

2.  I'm going to ignore the mold around my bathtub while I sip a Mai Tai in my lukewarm tub. I'll close my eyes and pretend I'm in the Caribbean.  I have a pretty good imagination and could probably pull this off if it weren't for the fact that from that position I will have a direct view of the back of my toilet.  When was the last time I cleaned back there?  Hopefully the alcohol in my drink will keep me from pursuing that line of thought too much further.  Maybe I should take two drinks with me into the tub.

3.  I'll ask my husband to whip me up a plate of surf and turf, and when he looks at me like I've lost my mind, I'll just eat chips right out of a bag.   It will be like eating gourmet food.  Speaking of food, I'll also eat around the clock since food is always available on a cruise ship. Jealous yet, friends?

4.  I'll start leaving myself tips.  When I go to bed each night I'll put $5 on my nightstand.  After I make the bed each morning, part of me will feel like I'm getting a nice tip.  The other part of me will feel like I'm throwing money away.  It's win-win.  I'm just demented enough that finding bills in random places around my house could be loads of fun...assuming I find them before those pesky kids.

5.  Speaking of kids, I'll turn on the television and I insist the kids watch it for at least 4 hours each day. During that time, I'll pretend they are at the cruise ship's kid program.  While they are at "Camp Cruise," I'll drink the bucket of frozen margarita I keep in my freezer.

6.  When all else fails, I'll shake my head back and forth repeatedly until I'm outrageously dizzy in a vain attempt to replicate that delightful feeling of seasickness.

However, at no point during this cruise replication am I putting on a swimsuit!  For the love of all good things, I'm still digesting holiday cookies.

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