Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Germ Magnets

There isn't enough hand sanitizer in the world to keep me from getting sick every year around this time. I faithfully subject myself to an annual flu shot in hopes of warding off the inevitable.

I blame my children. My inevitable winter illness rests on their shoulders.

Every single day my children come home from school coated in snot. I'm not even sure the snot is entirely their own. I know my house is slathered in invisible, evil germs all trying to make contact with my fragile immune system.

Their own immune systems are enviable. They coat themselves in germs and neglect any form of personal hygiene. They have a total aversion to proper hand hygiene and on at least one occasion they tried to convince me they were allergic to soap (and cleaning their rooms, but that's another story!)

They literally sit around the house sucking on their own fingers, toes, and hair. Then they delight in touching everything that belongs to me. They touch my face, hair, food, doorknobs, computer, pillows.
They DISGUST me, but I love them so much!

We have a box of kleenex in nearly every room of our house, but do they use them?
Nooooo! Why use a perfectly clean tissue when your dirty shirt sleeve is so convenient?
Or perhaps you can reach for your mother's sleeve? She just loves that!

Is it wrong to greet them each day after school in a hazmat suit?
Is it wrong to want to douce them with antiseptic before hugging them?
Is it wrong to send them away to boarding school until flu season passes?

My children have the grave misfortune of perfect health. Those kids are desperate to be sick! A slight fever leads to ginger ale, an abundance of attention, and a fair dose of sympathy. They crave a virus! If their germs don't kill me, the irony certainly will!

Life is full of injustices. The fact that my children literally cocoon themselves in crud and remain perfectly healthy during the height of flu season while I drown in my own mucus is just one.


(A note from the Author: She is just superstitious enough to believe that she is cursing her children with a string of illnesses this winter. Please take a moment to knock on wood. Your spouse's head will work fine.)

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