Sunday, February 26, 2012

My Oscar Speech

They don't give Oscars to working moms who lack all talent and aren't in movies.

That's really too bad because I know I could win an Oscar for my role in my life.
I play a woman who appears occasionally organized, superficially competent, and mildly witty.
It's not reality. It's just a role I play.

However, on the off chance I need it, I've written my Oscar acceptance speech.
I can just imagine giving it...

I need to preface this with the fact that when my name is called, I will act completely shocked. Notice I said "act." In my heart, I am sure I deserve the award, but I don't want to be presumptuous by walking halfway to the stage before my name is announced.

As it is, I will wait until my name is called, feign shock, and then walk slowly to the stage. My slow pace will be based partly on my desire to drag out the applause and partly on the fact that I will have difficulty maneuvering in my dress.

I've chosen a dress by my favorite designer who also happens to be my daughter.
My budding fashion designer has literally countless years left of practice before anything she designs can make it anywhere near the red carpet. The dress is made out of feathers, glitter, and her favorite blue bed sheet. It's assembled using pins, yarn, and hot glue because who can be bothered threading a needle?
I look stunning. Well, stunningly ridiculous, but no one will have the nerve to say that to my face.
Because I'm an Oscar winner! Try to keep up with my rich fantasy life.

Once on stage, I will smile down at Oscar and then clutch him tightly to my breast as I recite my speech:

"It's such an honor just to be nominated. So many amazing women in this category. The PTO president, the homeroom mom, the church choir director, and ...oh, I'm sorry, I'm so nervous I can't remember everyone.

"I want to thank my obscenely dependent family. I would not be standing here without them. If they were just marginally more organized, I wouldn't need to pretend to be. If they could learn to take care of themselves just once, I would never have even been nominated! I would also like to thank the woman who made this night manager. Wait. That's me! Well, needless to say, my manager is amazing! She's really the glue that keeps me and the rest of my family together."

At this point, I would look straight into the camera and say, "Somewhere out there a little girl is watching. She wonders if she can ever be an overwhelmed, stressed mother who lives in a fantasy world. A woman who wakes up each morning and totally acts like something she is not...balanced. To that little girl I say, Yes! Yes, this chaotic, outrageously cluttered life can be yours, too. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise."

Music will start playing and the crowd will cheer loudly. Oscar and I will exit stage left.

Once off stage, I will realize I forgot to thank my own mother.

Well, isn't that just typical! Even Oscar winners can't remember to thank their mothers!

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