Thursday, February 23, 2012

Is the Tooth Fairy a Drunk?


I think it's a reasonable question.

How else can one explain why sometimes the Tooth Fairy will leave one child 50 cents for a tooth and down the street another child receives $20?

I've even heard stories about the Tooth Fairy "forgetting" to come at night or being too "busy" to stop. The poor child needs to wait an extra night for the cash. I'm looking for alternative explanations other than the Tooth Fairy's drunkenness, but none come to mind.

Santa never screws up like that, and he has to deliver gifts to ALL children on the SAME night. The Tooth Fairy would crumble under such pressure.

Perhaps the Tooth Fairy could learn a few things from Santa.

Here's an idea for the Tooth Fairy to endorse: Practice poor oral hygiene and the Tooth Fairy isn't coming. Why would a fairy want a smelly, yellow tooth? As it is, drunk Tooth Fairy takes whatever he gets. Even Santa knows that only good little boys and girls get presents. Naughty ones get nothing but coal.

Make it fair, fairy! Geez, even your name suggests you support fairness and equality! My own kids are appalled that sometimes they get 75 cents for a tooth and sometimes they get $1.75.

What is wrong with you that you just can't remember that $1 is adequate for a baby tooth?

Any more than $1 leads to extreme hardship on the parents. Have you ever taken a child with $5 into a dollar store? You practically need to bring an overnight bag. The experience is laborious. How is a child expected to choose a one dollar item in that store when there are literally 1.7 million options. (Yes, I counted! What else is a reasonable adult suppose to do in that store for four and a half hours?)

I see only one solution to this problem.

Unless the Tooth Fairy is going to consider rehab (and my sources tell me this is unlikely), parents need to unite and demand that the Tooth Fairy set reasonable price caps on the value of our children's teeth.

Since we cannot count on the Tooth Fairy to be fair and consistent, I vote for $1 per tooth unless, of course, it's a canine. Those bad boys should fetch at least $1.25.

We must reign in the drunk Tooth Fairy! Are you with me?

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