Monday, April 9, 2012

Momma's Gonna Blow!

I have a laundry list of motherly incidents of which I am not particularly proud.
I'm sharing one so you can have a better day knowing you are a better person than I am. I am doing this as a favor to you. I want to increase your sense of self-righteousness. Happy?

Not so long ago I had to wear a Holter monitor for 24 hours because I believed I had a caged bird in my chest that occasionally attempted to take flight.

What's a mom with two kids and a Holter monitor suppose to do?
Here's a clue: Try to totally freak her kids out.

As bedtime neared, I realized I would not be able to keep all of the wires hidden from my inquisitive children. Ok, maybe I could have, but where is the fun in that?

As my children began their nighttime ritual of getting more and more wound up and energized, I called them over to me. I calmly showed them some of the wires and one of the leads connected to my chest near my collarbone.

As I revealed this strange contraption I said, "Kids, if you don't calm down, I will blow up."

Well, now I know how to get their attention.

They were actually silent for a solid 3 seconds.
Then they burst out laughing and asked when I was going to blow.

Where is the love? And who is responsible for raising these insensitive Neanderthals?

I need to make a programming note here. My otherwise sweet 11 year old has recently started to use and grasp the concept of sarcasm. I've complimented her on her increased and broadened sense of humor. She's becoming witty and sarcastic all at the same time. A day ago I thought this was charming. Now I'm not so sure.

As the night progressed and their energy level increased (why oh why do they rev up as the bedtime approaches?), I made a simple suggestion to my tween-ager. I believe I suggested she wash her hands or some other outrageous request.

My sweet daughter stopped, looked and me and in a deadpan manner, mouthed the words, "Blow up."

There is a moral to this story.
You can never joke with your children about explosives. It will blow up in your face.

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