Sunday, April 22, 2012

How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Saturday

Here is a recipe for how to ruin a perfectly good Saturday:

Plan a Garage Sale


* An obscene amount of junk treasures from your home. Ideally, the amount is just short of earning you the esteemed title, Hoarder. The items should include children's clothing from 8-10 years ago, at least one incomplete set of dishes, used sheets, an assortment of trashy novels, no less than eight naked barbies (some of whom have lost limbs and most of whom have suffered grotesque haircuts), and at least one prom dress from 1989.

* One tank of gas and your car

* A friend's garage

* Five to six evenings of your life and one Saturday

* A fake smile and a dash of humor

* A calculator

* Alcohol


1. Take all of the "exquisite" items described above from the bowels of your own home to the garage of a friend's home. Since you have an embarrassing amount of stuff, you will need to make approximately 47 trips to her home to unload items that could just as easily been thrown out or given away directly from your own home. Don't stop to think about this. Just load van, empty van, repeat.

2. Place individual price-tags on all 6.7 million items you have dumped in your friend's garage. Items will range in price from 10 cents to $2. Don't screw up this step! This could make the difference between making a penny and $1.50 (since no one pays full price at a yard sale). Multiply that by the 6.7 million items you have hauled across town, and just imagine how obscenely rich you will become!

3. Ignore the judgement you see in your friend's eyes and pretend she is joking when she calls you "a hoarder."

4. Talk endlessly about how great the weather has been thus causing Mother Nature to take notice (more on this later).

5. Do steps #1-4 repeatedly over the course of five or six evenings. In the process spend very little time with your own family. This will please your husband so much that he may express his satisfaction by ceasing to talk to you.

6. Wake up before the crack of dawn on Saturday to the sound of heavy rain. Or is that hail? Notice the temperature has dropped, and the rain is never stopping and ice cold.

7. Arrive at your friend's home to find people there at the crack of dawn.

8. Smile fake smile when you say, "Sure, I'll take a nickel for that."

9. Realize you cannot subtract 35 cents from twenty dollars. Do not be embarrassed about using a calculator. It's the crack of freaking dawn and you're sleep and caffeine deprived! What's wrong with these people?

9. Screw the caffeine and enjoy your first alcoholic drink at 1 PM.

10. Count out the $37 you made and declare the garage sale a huge success.

11. Bag up all of the remaining 6.6 million items. Donate half of the items. Inexplicably convince yourself that the other items need to be returned to the bowels of your home.

12. Load van, empty van, repeat.

13. Make plans to have another garage sale next year.

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