Sunday, April 29, 2012

10 Disgusting Things I've Said To My Children

Sometimes when I talk, I am amazed by what comes out of my mouth.
The following are true (oh, say it isn't so!) examples of things I have said to my children within the past year or two.

10. "Please get your feet off the dining room table."
Yes, my children are animals who think it is acceptable for any part of their body to be on the dining room table. Elbows on the table are the least of my worries.

9. "No, I didn't mean to get my hair cut to look like Justin Bieber."
Yes, I need a new hairdresser. It has finally grown out, but I still don't want to talk about it.

8. "Please don't put your feet in my face."
What is it about my kids and their stinky feet? Their feet are literally everywhere I wish they were not.

7. "Puke in your Happy Meal box."
One of my children gets car sick. Easily. On long road trips we occasionally run out of bags and have to make due with whatever random container exists in the car. Please learn from our mistakes. A Happy Meal box cannot contain vomit. It's a lousy alternative to an actual bag unless you want your car to smell like a mixture of chicken nugget and vomit. However, it's better to encourage the barfer to vomit in the Happy Meal box than your hands because trying to contain vomit in your cupped hands is both impossible and disgusting. I speak from experience here, people.

6. "If you make the cat throw-up, you're cleaning it up."
In fairness to the kids, I'm starting to think the cat has a very sensitive gag reflux.

5. "Yes, I do see the worms in your poop."
Gross! Pinworms are disgusting but blessedly easy to treat. I'm thinking of making everyone in this house take the tablets prophylactically. Maybe give them to the kids on a bi-weekly scheduled. I am, personally, tired of looking at poop. Wash your hands and keep your fingers out of your mouth and maybe I could retire from the poop inspection job I have grown to loathe.

4. "Please don't eat spaghetti with your fingers."
I would have thought this was obvious, but apparently in our home it needs stated. Utensils are not valued at our dining room table. (By now you should have real concerns about being a guest in our home. Feet on the table, kids eating spaghetti with their fingers, worms in our stool and likely on our hands. Yes, it's total mayhem which is why we limit dinner company to those who don't judge us and those who are up-to-date on all their shots.)

3. "Why did you shave off half your eyebrow?"
Why? And why shave it off the night before school picture day? Why, why, why?

2. & 1. "Why is your thumb gushing blood and why do you have box cutters in your bedroom?"
I'm counting this as two unbelievable things I've said. I blame my mother for this one. How was I to know the cute pink toolbox my mother got my daughter for Christmas had box cutters in it? How was I to know my daughter would use them at night (in the dark) to cut into the plastic container of tattoos my mother got her for Christmas? (Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like finding a faux tramp stamp on your daughter.) Why does a thumb wound produce sooooo much blood? Don't feel bad, Mom, the doctor says the scar will fade over time.

There you have it. Ten of the more disgusting things I've said to my children.
You should now feel pretty confident about your own parenting abilities.

Excuse me. I need to go inspect some more feces now.

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