Monday, January 16, 2012

The Sanctity of Marriage

Can we talk about sex? Wait..wrong blog. This one is about marriage so no need to talk about sex.

I hate to be the one to break the news to all of you lovely gay people. Awkward!

I just think someone needs to clarify all the outrage around the idea of gay people getting married and tying the knot.  

(Tying the knot! That expression is so apropos. Why am I only now seeing the reference to bondage and suffrage? Or is it a knot as in a noose? Hmmm...) 

Sorry...internal dialogue derailed me for a moment...back to the sanctity of marriage.

Historically, us heterosexuals have been...well...inconsistent with our marital bliss. Something like half of us say "I do!" only to later say "I did, but now I'd like a do-over!" If you're famous, the "do-over" request can come within hours of the reception.
Kim Kardashian, if your reading this please send back the lovely cutlery set.

Some of us are so supportive of marriage we do it 2, 3, or even 4 or more times in our life. Yes, marriage is that great! Our failure at marriage doesn't deter us from trying again, and again, and again. We are a determined bunch of marriage-loving losers!  If gay people were to marry successfully how would that make us heterosexuals feel?

Others of us suffer from gay envy. Yeah, I said it. Gay envy.

You already own the market on cuteness. Hello, Nate Berkus!
Everything he touches is cute, cute, cute! (I'm talking about his decorating skills here.) Once gay people start to marry, do you know what that will lead to?
Cute marriages! It's totally outrageous because us heterosexuals know there is nothing cute about marriage. Weddings can be lovely, honeymoons can be fun, children can be cute, but marriages? No way! Those suckers are nothing but hard work and miscommunication!

Then there are those who are just plain ignorant and confuse homosexuality with predatory behavior, unlawfulness and downright criminal behavior. I suppose it's analogous with the way I confuse politicians with predatory behavior, unlawfulness and downright criminal behavior.

I mean it's one thing for a man to have a wife, a mistress, and support a prostitution business on the side, but it is totally inappropriate for two people of the same gender to express their love for one another, right?

Some people just don't like the idea of individuals of the same gender having sex.
Any happily married couple can tell you there is hardly enough hours in the day to get anything done given how much sex we are all having.

Clearly marriage is the only avenue for two people to engage in intercourse, love making, the nasty, the hanky panky, a friendly game of hide the salami, pickle tickle, the dirty deed, a home run, a roll in the hay, a roll in the sack, bumping uglies, boinking, banging, bumping and grinding, and the wild thing (I could continue, but I know my mom is reading this, and I'm fairly certain she passed out 2 sentences ago).

On this Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, I dream of a society where all of us can target our hatred on things that truly deserve it such as poverty, violence, war, and discrimination.

I do.

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