Wednesday, December 28, 2011

The Problem with New Year's Resolutions

If you are looking for a way to ensure your failure at something, I suggest you make it a New Year's resolution.

I can usually make it 15 hours into the new year before realizing that I've already failed. I spend more time thinking of new resolutions than it takes me to break every single one. It's taken me years to make this connection, but this year I plan to make my resolutions accordingly.

Since I am now convinced that I cannot keep a resolution for more than 24 hours, I'm shaking things up in 2012.

I have no plans to exercise more and eat right. Screw those green things called vegetables! This year I vow to eat as much trans fats as possible so by year's end someone will need a crane to remove me from my home. The only serious exercise I plan to do will be to run from the freezer section of my local grocery story to the checkout line in order to get my Haagen Dazs ice cream home before it melts.

As for financial planning? Ha! Last year's resolution to save more and spend less still led to my eventual hemorrhaging of money. This year I may just wallpaper the playroom in crisp twenty dollar bills. If I have any money left over after that remodel, I'll send the extra to members of the United States Congress. They are obviously under compensated for their efforts!

Which leads me to the act of giving generously to those less fortunate. Charity is an important addition to any list of New Year's resolutions. This year I'm donating to Wall Street. The last few years have been hard on bankers and big business. They need our help. After all, businesses are people too, right?

As for the earth and my previous years' plans to recycle more and go green, isn't healthy air and clean water overrated? Plus, is there really such a thing as global warming? And while we are talking about propaganda, let me just say that it's time for whales to learn to save themselves. We cannot be expected to do it all!

Just the thought of limiting the use of foul language, causes Tourette's-like symptoms. @!$"#%^£!!

Good luck making and keeping your New Year's resolutions!  I, for one, am already committed to the failure of mine.

Happy New Year!

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