Sunday, November 18, 2012

Adventures in Abercrombie & F#@%! 

'Tis the season to grab your holiday shopping list and venture into huge, enormous shopping centers luring you with large, red signs promising "Sales, Sales, Sales!"

My tween wants a hoodie for Christmas.  A very specific hoodie.  I could describe this hoodie for you but why bother?  Just trust me when I say this particular hoodie is seemingly extinct.  Exactly one exists in this entire world, and it happens to belong to my tween.  Since she wears it day and night it is starting to an ugly, filthy hoodie.  Now she wants another.

Hours of shopping, and I cannot find a hoodie matching my tween's specific requirements.  Where could such a hoodie exist?

I venture into Abercrombie & Fitch despite the little voice in my head telling me to run away.  Have you been in Abercrombie & Fitch recently?

Even before crossing the threshold of the store, Abercrombie & Fitch immediately assaults my nostrils with the potent smell of cologne. I don't actually have words to describe this smell.  It's as if Abercrombie & Fitch took a nice smell, multiplied it so many times it then miraculously turns toxic. Although I think the intent is for the smell to travel from nostril to groin, instead I feel it go from my nostril to my head immediately.  I am morphed from professional, organized shopper to dizzy, snotty, out-of-place fool.

As I try to clear my head, I realize this is a futile endeavor given the "music."  The music is blaring.  BLARING.  I don't know who is "singing," but it isn't my beloved Rick Springfield or U2. No, this is a very angry singer who is yelling at me.  He is screaming at me while the drum beat goes like this, "BAM, BAM, BAM, BA, BA, BAM, BAM BAM."  I have no idea why he is so angry nor do I actually know what he is saying, but he is not a happy guy.

Although the smell and sounds are distracting, I try to focus. After all, I am a mother.  I've perfected blocking out loud, obnoxious sounds. Any mom knows it's the quiet that is scary.

I try to continue shopping, but Abercrombie & Fitch thinks I should shop in the dark. I cannot see a gosh darn thing.  It's so dark that when I run into a table, suck in a large amount of poisoned air, and cry out in pain, no one in the store takes notice.  How can they?  It's pitch black and too loud to hear anything above the sound of that angry, screaming "singer."

By now I am too far into the store to easily escape.  I've completely forgotten why I have ventured into this funhouse, and I start to think I'll never find my way out.  I look around frantically for an exit sign.  All around me I see young, skinny people.  Although my pupils are undoubtably dilated to the size of golf balls, these young people look calm and unaffected by the sensory overload. I'm reminded of Children of the Corn.

Why is Abercrombie & Fitch torturing me?

Perhaps I'm drunk on the smell of overpowering cologne or perhaps my brain is bleeding.  I don't really know.  However, once I finally escape the store, I realize Abercrombie & Fitch's master plan...

Abercrombie & Fitch wants me dizzy, deaf, and blind so I won't care or notice that they sell ugly t-shirts for $40.  If only they had hoodies!

Tony Hawk Painted Plaid Hoodie (Google Affiliate Ad)


  1. The last time I went to an Abercrombie and Fitch the music was so loud that I actually shouted "Who do ya gotta know around here to get a drink?!"

    My son was mortified.



    1. I probably would have had a better experience had someone handed me a vodka tonic while I was there!

  2. Exactly exactly. Who can shop when they can't see? Or breathe? Or hear?

  3. This made me laugh! What is the deal with that place? I admit, I liked it back in the day. You nailed it, though! The darkness. The cologne. Ha! Thanks for sharing this with me on my Facebook page. :)

  4. Obviously he is singing such an angry song because he is being exposed to that noxious stench. I don't even know how it's legal. We can't have any smelly stuff in school due to the potential of kids or adults have asthma and respiratory issues but they can just be out there, at the mall, assaulting all sorts of unsuspecting people.

    I was in Macy's the other day, in the women's department, and the music was so awful, I almost left. It was like Metallica. Nothing like the elevator music I was expecting!!

  5. Still laughing! I feel that way about most department stores. Too much noise, too many people, too much stuff...I last about 30 minutes before I hit the closest cantina for a icy, quiiiiet margarita. Great post!

    1. Online shopping may be the way to you can drink while you shop...AND the drinks are cheaper!

  6. Ahhhh! I know what you mean. Whenever my husband and I pass that place, it's all we can do to shake off the scent that virtually pours out the door. Great post!