Thursday, December 13, 2012

If You Give a Klutz Crutches

Can I say for the umpteenth time that I had foot surgery and am now whittling the days away on my bum?  Have I not mentioned my invalid status enough times yet? Have you, oh faithful reader, not yet heard that I had foot surgery? Did you miss this noteworthy event?

Let me say it again:  I am stuck on my bum because I had a bunion the size of Delaware removed from my right foot.

Yes, I can hobble around on crutches, but this is dangerous for me as well as for those around me.

If you give a klutz crutches she will astonish you by immediately walking right into a wall.

After walking into the wall, she will laugh because she is on narcotics and everything is funny.  After laughing she will pass out.

When she wakes up, she will ask for more narcotics and her husband will offer her Advil instead.  The klutz will then realize she has crutches.  Since she clearly cannot use them to safely move around the house, she will consider using them to attack those who suggest she not use the prescribed narcotics.

As the days pass and the pain subsides, the klutz will try to use the crutches again.

When the klutz uses the crutches, it will take her 20 minutes to go 20 feet.

After going 20 feet to the living room, she'll realize she needs to go tinkle.

After a laborious walk to the bathroom she will cry tears of joy on the adult potty chair. She will proclaim the adult potty as the best invention EVER.

She will then painstakingly hobble back to the living room.

After that marathon walk, the klutz is tired and sweaty so she will decide to take a sponge bath.

This will require another arduous walk back to the bathroom. There the klutz will sit with a washrag and a bar of soap and give thanks for running water while contemplating how this whole "sponge bath" concept works.  Defying her klutziness, she will shockingly not injure herself in the process.

After a mediocre sponge bath, the klutz will be too exhausted to venture anywhere other than her bed.

After being in bed, she will begin to wonder about bed sores.

At this point, she will realize the sad truth.
She would rather have bed sores than crutches.

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