Let's cut to the chase. I have been naughty this past year with flashes of niceness. Those flashes should count for something, right?
I mean, come on! You are one to judge. You don't let your elves unionize and you work them to the bone this time of year. I know. I've read plenty of Christmas books and viewed countless a holiday films. You're not the only one who can find out who's been naughty or nice!
PETA is no doubt watching you in terms of your treatment of those reindeer. You cannot tell me that lugging your large ass as well as presents for all the good boys and girls all over the world is easy on reindeer. At our house we leave your team of reindeer one lousy carrot which you don't always remember to take. You NEVER forget to eat the cookies and milk do you? You really are a piece of work.
Yeah, I've not been the nicest this past year, but neither have you. You can stop all the Santa judgment and cut me some slack!
So I want to be clear with you about what I DO NOT want to find under the Christmas tree this year. Here's your opportunity to be nice vs naughty:
1. Toys wrapped in hard plastic. I do not want to spend my holiday in the emergency room, and I swear nothing short of a chainsaw can get through some types of plastic packaging. Did NASA invent that plastic? Is our military aware of its super human, indestructible strength? Seems like there could be better use for that type of plastic than for securing one tiny Littlest Pet Shop toy. I mean really, that plastic defies logic.
2. Toys with batteries. Yes, this might be hard to pull off, but you should try. I inevitably will have some batteries in the house on Christmas morning, but they will likely be the wrong size for whatever loud, overpriced toy you decide to leave for my children. Odds are, even if I have the correct batteries, I may be forced to deny it depending on how obnoxious the toy appears to be. Do all of us a favor and avoid battery operated toys.
3. Toys that need assembled. I want to be clear that I cannot follow directions on Christmas morning. This is because I am often up at 4 AM telling my
4. Unlabeled presents. Please don't forget to label the presents. It's really annoying to find a present under the tree that is clearly from you because it is wrapped in your special Santa paper, but there is no name tag on it. Which sleep deprived little
5. I know it's simple and easy for your over-worked elves to stock my children's stocking with socks, underwear, gum, and candy, but can you go easy on the candy this year? Last year after
So from one naughty, over weight adult to another, please grant me my Christmas wishes.
Ho Ho Ho,
A Naughty Mom