Monday, February 10, 2014

I've Been Spotted!

Part 5 of My Triathlon Training Experience

The only thing worse than being out of shape and exercising is to be spotted in a swimsuit while you're out of shape and exercising.

I want to believe that when I put on my 50's style swimsuit, don my albino white swim cap and goggles that I become invisible or at least unrecognizable.   I want to believe my painfully tight, bright white swim cap has magical powers like Harry Potter's invisibility cloak. Once I have it on, no one can see me.

Well, that delusional belief was nipped in the bud just the other day at the pool.

I was again at the pool with my fellow wanna-be triathlete friends.  I was looking all faux athletic in my mind's eye.  I exited the locker room and entered pool area feeling rather excited about being finished exercising the laps that awaited me.

Who do I run into?

Answer:  Two of the most beautiful people on the planet who are, of course, not in swimwear.

These people are so classically beautiful they could be on television.   They have a rather HGTV look about them.  Perfect teeth, perfect hair, and perfect BMIs.  I enjoy their company when I am in normal clothes and not half naked.

Sadly, they recognize me right away.  So much for my magical thinking.  I made some self-deprecating jokes about myself and tried to laugh.  Shrieking in horror and running back into the locker room would have drawn stares from other people, and I was trying to act all cool and triathlony.

It wasn't until we parted ways that I reflected on and recognized the look on their faces while we were speaking.  Their perfectly constructed faces had that same look I give my children when I see them doing something disgustingly ridiculous.

Like the other night when there was a lull in the dinner conversation, I asked the kids to tell me something interesting.  Without missing a beat, both children began to discuss their latest bowel movements including color, shape, size, and odor.  They were not trying to be gross.  They just both happened to experience very interesting bowel movements.

I gave my children that look that says, "I am totally grossed out and yet perversely amused."

This is the same reaction people have when they see me in my swim attire.  Seeing me in my swimwear is as disgusting as talking about large, stinky poop while at the dinner table.

It's amazing I've not quit yet!

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