Speechless at the Golden Globes

Dear Speechless Golden Globe Awardees,

I watched the 2014 Golden Globe Awards, and I've got a pointer for you should you ever be nominated again.

Please prepare a speech.  Please.

You've been nominated for a Golden Globe Award, and some can only dream of that.
Going into the evening you didn't know if you would win or not.  Yes, I know you only had a 20% chance of coming home with that shiny little trophy.  You may not have needed that speech.  It is still better to be prepared than to stand up in front of all your peers and be broadcast across America saying, "Oh my gosh.  Oh my gosh.  I didn't prepare a speech, and I don't know what to say."

Yeah, we can tell you don't know what to say.

Let me see if I have this right:
You are nominated for a prestigious award based on your job performance.
You get all dolled up.
You smile and pose on the red carpet.
You take your seat with fellow movie stars and television icons.
Your heart may be racing.  Your palms may be sweaty.  You may not be expecting to win.  You may be nervous even though you are a movie star. Are you thinking, "Maybe I should have prepared a speech?"
Your name is announced as the winner, and 45 seconds later you go from looking like a glamorous movie star to a bumbling fool.

Really?  You didn't think a speech could prove useful?

Please go sit back down because your speechlessness is annoying.

Why is it annoying?

Well, for starters I am raising two children.  Like me, my children are a work in progress.  Although it pains me sometimes, my kiddos look up to famous people.  They are fascinated by fame and what it means to be famous.  While watching the Golden Globes with my kiddos, it becomes apparent that the dress you wear is more important than what comes out of your mouth.  And apparently being prepared is really underrated in Hollywood.

It's also annoying because you babble something about thanking your manager and it begs the question, why am I not a movie star manager?  I would certainly have advised you to prepare a short speech!  I think you may need a new manager.

Finally, you memorize lines for a living for crying out loud!  Can you not memorize a few sentences about who to thank for the award?  And please don't forget to thank your mother!

Sincerely,

A Clearly Not Speechless Fan

Happy Birthday, Ohio University!

(No lip-syncing...)
Happy Birthday to you.  Happy Birthday to you.  Happy birthday, dear OU--whoo... Happy birthday to you!

On February 18, 1804, the General Assembly of Ohio passed an act to establish "an university in the town of Athens."

This makes Ohio University the best and oldest university in Ohio.  In fact, it is also the best and oldest university in the Northwest Territory.  In truth, it remains the best university in the entire nation even though there are several older institutions.

Am I biased?
No.  Why ever would you even think so?

Why is Ohio University the best university in the free world?

Just ask any alumnus of Ohio University.  Any proud Bobcat can rattle off a zillion reasons why O.U. is excellent.

Here are my top 5 reasons why OU is the best university:

5.  The gorgeous scenery. Beautiful brick buildings sit along the Hocking River surrounded by lovely rolling hills.  Southeastern Ohio is a beautiful part of the state and a beautiful area of our country. Of course, it would be home to a beautiful university!

4.  My Bobcat friends.  OU buddies are the best! They are HILLARIOUS (even when sober), smart, and compassionate. They're easy on the eyes, too.  You do know Matt Lauer attended OU, right?  Did you know he touched my arm once in The Crystal on Court Street near campus?  It's true!  Yeah, it was awesomeness.

3.  That hard to describe Bobcat spirit. Basically, it's best illustrated by:

• Watching the alumni band during their annual homecoming halftime show.
• O...H...I...O.  That cheer NEVER gets old.
• Going to "after hour" parties when the bars close at 2 A.M. because there's still plenty of partying to do before dawn.
• Ohio University's win against University of Michigan during their 2012 March Madness run.
• Arriving as a homesick freshman and then hoping you can't finish in four years because 5th year seniors have even more fun!

2.  Ohio University is home. Many of us arrive as 18 year olds from far off places. We are young, naive, and ready to have fun learn.  We have so much fun learning, we never leave. We go from being Ohio University students to becoming townies.  The Athens community is a great place to take root.  Want to explore the Athens area more?  Check this out:  Athens, Ohio

1.  And the number one reason Ohio University is the best?  We aren't Ohio State University.
Not even close!  Please don't confuse the two universities. That happens to be the number one way to honk off an Ohio University Bobcat.

Ohio University, you sure make 209 years old look good!

If only we could take OU uptown and buy him a pint (or two) at The Pub!
OU, Oh Yeah!

Super Bowl 2013 Recap

Did you see this year's Super Bowl? 

And what I really mean is did you see the commercials?

And what I really mean, ladies, is did you see the Calvin Klein underwear commercial?

Hello, Calvin Klein!

Talk about good advertising. I immediately had the urge to run out and buy my hubby Calvin Klein undies.  I'm hoping they come with the same amazing abdominal muscles as in that commercial.  Otherwise it's kind of like false advertising.

I'm being totally sexist, right?

Imagine if my hubby admitted his hope that my boobies would stand at attention and my thighs would firm up upon putting on Victoria Secret apparel.  Yes, I would dig a shallow grave in my backyard and put his Calvin Klein wearing ass in it.

No, there are no undies on the planet that suddenly create perky boobies and firm thighs.  Oh, how I wish!

Clearly, the Calvin Klein commercial was the crown jewel of the Super Bowl commercials, although Taco Bell's seniors rocked it as did Budweiser's Clydesdale.  Of course, Ram Truck's "So God made a Farmer" commercial is also a winner.

Now about that Go Daddy commercial...
My hubby tells me it took 40 plus takes to get the kiss just right. That poor, round, bespectacled child needed to kiss that skanky, blond model multiple times before getting the kiss "just right."  That's a strong work ethic!  I'm amazed by his ability to persevere.

The commercial was upsetting to me because it was one of the more slurpy-like kisses I've heard in some time.  It's hard to eat wings while listening to two people slurpy kiss.
I nearly lost my appetite.  Nearly, but not quite.  I still managed to suck down wings, beer, pizza, and chips.

Needless to say, I could really use some magical undies right about now!


Watch the "So God made a Farmer" video, share it with others, and the Ram brand makes a donation.  Help them raise $1 million to support FFA and assist in local hunger and educational programs.  Click here or go to http://www.ramtrucks.com/en/keepplowing/ for more information.

February

It's February and we all know what that means.

Only five more months until the heir to England's throne is born!
Sound the alarms, organize a parade, mark your calendar...England is getting a new baby!

Not to be outdone, of course, the Kardashian's are also planning to produce a summer baby.

February is the month when we hate those lucky people who get to escape to the Caribbean, while secretly plotting ways we could visit a warm place.  Maybe if I sell all of the "treasures" in my basement on eBay I'll be able to save enough money to buy a poster of the beach.  That wouldn't help my mood in the slightest, but I've got so much junk in my basement.  So.  Much.  Junk. I guess the warmest place I'll see this February is the inside of my oven. That thing hasn't been cleaned since 2011.

Now is a good time to officially ditch those New Year's resolutions, if you even made it this long.  It's hard to hold fast to resolutions while simultaneously buying Girl Scout cookies in bulk.  Loose weight, exercise...wait! Is that a thin mint order form...?

February is also as good a month as any to take down those outside Christmas lights. (I REALLY hope my hubby is reading this.). No one is seriously going to believe those white icicle lights are actually Valentine's day lights, right?

Speaking of which, Valentine's Day is just around the corner.  Chocolate? Wine? Chocolate wine?  I'll take one of each, thank you.

Thanks to global warming it's likely balmy in parts of the country where it is normally cold, and it's likely frigid in places that are normally hot as hell.

If the groundhog sees his shadow this month, I'm moving to the Caribbean.  Or at least switching to a really cool Caribbean screen saver at work.

February is the only month that can make 28 days feel like all eternity.

Spring, I cannot wait to see you!

My Secret American Idol Addiction

I do it behind closed doors.
Sometimes I do it on weekends, but usually it's on a weeknight.
Late at night when children are sleeping.
I'm completely addicted and completely ashamed of my addiction.
I want to stop. I want to stop, but I can't.

I am a 39-ish year old mother who is hopelessly addicted to watching American Idol.

There I said it. A weight has been lifted.

Are you addicted, too?
Please, please tell me you are. Please....

I wasn't always addicted. I didn't even watch American Idol for the first several seasons because I was a better mom and was busy mothering my children. 

I am a late American Idol bloomer, so to speak.

If you don't watch American Idol, then save yourself several moments of confusion and just stop reading.  None of the following will make any sense.

If you do watch American Idol, then I hope at least some of this will make sense.  If you disagree with me, please keep it to yourself.  Otherwise, let me know how brilliant we both are!

Five things I need to get off my chest about American Idol:

5.  Nicki Minaj. Really? Nicki, please just stop talking.

4.  Keith Urban, could you maybe judge with your shirt off?  I think it would add to the quality of the show.

3.  During auditions in one town, the judges kept a handsome, one-legged, young man from going to Hollywood.  They said he wasn't ready.  Whuck?  He had Hollywood written all over him.  Of course, I cannot remember his name or what town. None-the-less, he was totally robbed. I blame Nicki.  Keith, I forgive you.

2.  Despite robbing one person in #3 his dream of becoming the next American Idol, let's just skip ahead and award the American Idol crown to Burnell Taylor? That kid can sing-hing!

1.   I am absolutely fickle, and next week I'll be asking "Burnell who?" I'm demented, too (see #3, for example)

Having said all of the above, I need to add one more thing.

Sigh.

I miss Simon.

Shhhhh...Bob Greene Has Secrets

The other night I was sitting in bed, drinking wine, munching on chips carrot sticks while simultaneously browsing various apps on my handy, dandy iPad who I have affectionately named Paddy.

I see an article on my Flipboard App entitled, "Live Strong, Feel Great:  Bob Greene's 3 Secrets to Feeling 20 Years Younger."

The article is actually from 2011, so I have no idea why my favorite app is recycling this particular article.  It must only mean the app gods are trying to tell me something about my lifestyle.  As I sit in bed consuming a large amount of calories at 11:00 PM, I reflect on what message they could possibly be trying to send me.  Hmmm?

Anywho, I'm initially annoyed imagining how young I would feel had I read Bob's dang article two years ago.  Then I read the article, and I am THRILLED to report I am already following all three of his "secrets."

Here are his secrets and...Shhhhh...keep this on the down-low because it's a secret, after all.

(Please note, I am now whispering to you because that's my secret-sharing voice):

Secret #1 - Maintain an active social life.
Well, Bob, no problem there!  I'm happy to say I have over 300 Facebook friends who I report to daily.  They know when I'm having a good day or a bad day.  At least a few of them like what I have to say, and they sure share the Facebook love with me on my birthday.  Plus, I always have my good buddy, Paddy the iPad, by my side.

Secret #2 - Try some tofu
I tried tofu.  I have no intention of trying it again.  Enough said.

Secret #3 -Get active
Well, my index fingers are remarkably active and that should count for something, right?  They get quite a workout texting, Facebooking, and flipping through apps.  I really do have svelte fingers.  I suppose exercise could have the same impact on the rest of my body, but for now I'm going to just continue exercising my fingers.  I would hate to pull a muscle or something.

After following these three tips, I guess it means I should feel 20 years younger.  That means I should feel like a 21 year old.

Bob, I hate to argue with you since you're the fitness guru, but I am waaaaaayyyy too sober to feel like my 21 year old self.  Guess I should pour myself another drink to celebrate my youthfulness!

"I Have Chlamydia" and Other Reasons I "Love" Jon Stewart

I am a horrible less than perfect mediocre mother. 

I love my kids. I really, really, really do!  I love them more than air.  I love them to the moon and back.

You know what else I love?

Alone time. Gloriously peaceful, quiet, alone time.

I love to pour myself a glass of wine beverage and sneak into my bedroom to watch my television crush, Jon Stewart.  I DVR his show since I cannot possibly stay up past 10:07 P.M. to watch it in real time.

Over the years Jon and I have developed quite a relationship.  Jon expects nothing from me and makes me laugh at the absurdity around me.  He keeps me up to date on all the "news" I need for one day, and I can fast-forward him if he starts to annoy me. It's truly the perfect relationship.

The other night while squirreled away watching Jon, my sweet 9 year old son came into the room.  He snuggled up with me and I melted.  How many more years do I have with my sweet boy wanting to cuddle?  On the other hand, Jon was making some pretty pee your pants funny astute observations about the Mayan calendar and it's relationship with North Korea.

In a moment of parenting weakness, I decided I could cuddle with my son AND watch Jon.  Simultaneously.

Certainly this is a rookie mistake, and I should know better.  I should. I didn't.

Shortly after making this lazy parenting decision, Jon proclaimed jokingly, "I have chlamydia!"

The audience laughed, and my son asked, "What's chlamydia?"

I took a breath, and I simply told my son it is a disease.

In the next breath, my sweet son loudly blurts out, "I HAVE CHLAMYDIA!"
He then laughs hysterically a lot like Jon Stewart had just done.  

I immediately know this is an exclamation he will make on the playground, in the classroom, and most definitely in Sunday school all in an attempt to generate laughter from his equally clueless peers.

That's the night I got to talk with my son about sexually transmitted diseases.

Thanks, Jon. Thank you so much for providing me with that unscripted, awkward, parenting moment.

Jon, I don't want you hanging around my kids anymore, but in fairness, I don't think my son ever wants to watch your show again!

Most Ridiculous Commercial... Or Is It?

Most Ridiculous Commercial... Or Is It?

Do you remember commercials? I forgot what they were until I started watching the 2012 Olympics religiously every night as if it were my job and the fate of all Olympic gold medals rested squarely on my shoulders.

Do you remember commercials? I forgot what they were until I started watching the 2012 Olympics religiously every night as if it were my job and the fate of all Olympic gold medals rested squarely on my shoulders.

Yeah, commercials are those televised advertisements most people use as the time to tinkle and refill beverages or we fast-forward through them (thank you to the person who invented TIVO and the DVR).

It's been awhile since I've seen an actual commercial, but I'm sad to report they stink just as much as they have in the past. In fact, they are arguably worse now than previously. Apparently commercial writers are on to the fact that no one pays attention to them anymore so they have really lowered the bar on what passes for a quality commercial.

After watching an obscene amount of television over the last several weeks, I believe I have the authority to crown the worst commercial on television.

The winner is....(drum roll)...(suspenseful pause)...

The Air Optix contact lens commercial!

A man who is old enough to know better starts the commercial off looking absolutely grief stricken. Perhaps he has received a devastating diagnosis or maybe his wife and kids have been in a horrific accident or possibly he has made horrible investments and he is about to loose everything.

Nope.  This moron just fell asleep with his contact lenses in his eyes.
He stutters the following statement, "I never meant to sleep in my contacts."

The optometrist kindly tells him "Don't worry."
As luck would have it, this idiot fell asleep in contact lenses designed to be slept in.  Somehow he's managed to forget this tidbit since the last time he's been to the eye doctor.

I have absolutely no empathy for this twit.  Maybe I'm annoyed because the last time I fell asleep with contacts in my eyes I woke up and momentarily thought I had been miraculously cured of my nearsightedness.  At no point did I consider racing to the optometrist to confess my stupidity while looking like I might die as a result of my action.

I hate to sound sexist, (actually this is a bold-faced lie.  I really don't mind sounding a little sexist) but I don't think it's an accident that the commercial features a nearsighted worried man and a female optometrist.  There isn't a woman on the planet who would show this much concern over her own eyes.  She would be too busy changing diapers, cleaning up cat vomit, and wallowing in guilt to even consider rushing her eyes to the optometrist office after sleeping in her lenses.  Hell, she'd just be thrilled she managed to sleep!

The point is, this commercial stinks.  It's horrible.

On top of it all, the pathetic, worrisome man looked familiar to me.  Who is he?

Then while watching it for the 40th time it came to me.  The man looks like Paul Ryan minus the piercing, ice blue, frightening as hell eyes.  If Paul Ryan had brown eyes, he would be doing lousy contact lens commercials.

Then it hit me.  Is it possible this commercial was paid for by democrats to elect President Obama?  You only need to watch the commercial once to know, that worrisome guy is an idiot!

It could very well be the best subliminal message ever relayed via commercial!

Kim Kardashian Hates Food

Yes, I've had a little too much time on my hands. That never leads to anything good. While surfing the net in search of breaking news, I got the latest info on Kim Kardashian's struggles. Poor Kim!

Kim Kardashian reportedly said Indian food is "disgusting." Now everyone who loves Indian food hates her. In an effort to salvage her flawless reputation she further explained her comments by saying:

"In NO way was [my comment] intended as an insult to the Indian people or their culture. This is just my own personal taste. There are a lot of foods I don’t like . . . I hate cilantro and peppers, and there are definitely some Armenian foods that I personally find disgusting, but that doesn’t reflect my opinions on other Armenian people or my culture."

Frankly, her agent, publicist, mom, sisters, Kayne, should never let her try to further explain herself again. This is not her strong suit.

Now I'm even more annoyed by her than ever! What kind of person hates cilantro? I'm no Mayan, but I'm predicting an uprising of cilantro farmers and cilantro lovers. This could lead to the end of times.

Let's also take a moment and state the obvious. When I was surfing nonsense yesterday and typed "breaking news" into my search engine, I wasn't expecting to get the latest update on Ms. Food-Hater Kardashian. How is this breaking news?

One look at her figure, and any weight watching person can tell Kim Kardashian hates a variety of foods. I'm going out on a limb here, but I imagine she eats more of her words than any other thing on this planet. This is not breaking news.

In the end, I'm mostly annoyed because pepper loathing Kim has created in me an absolute unparalleled desire to eat my weight in Tandoori chicken with warm naan.

Stick a fork in me. I'm done.

River Truths

This past weekend my family got an offer we could not refuse.
We were invited by friends to spend the day frolicking on the Ohio River.

To protect my friends' identities I am going to choose totally fictitious names for them. I've completely made these names up, and my friends can try to figure out who is who because I am never going to tell.

Kristen Wiig, Amy Poehler, Claire Dunphy and I had a fabulous afternoon. I even met a new friend who I'll call Mia Rudolph.

There are some universal truths about river life. Although I am no expert, and I absolutely MUST research this more, I believe I have unearthed some of these truths.

Again, these are river truths. If you've never spent the day out on the river, you'll just need to take my word for it:

• Life on the river is in a unique time zone. Time stands still, and then suddenly an entire afternoon disappears in a blink. Strange, right?

• Everyone pees in the river.  Everyone.  Some people are just more brazen than others.                 Kristine Wiig will squat in knee deep water and talk with you while obviously peeing in the river.

• There are really smart fish in the river. The fish stay away from those who are fishing but stay close to those who are floating. You can't always see them, but they are there. Just ask Claire.

• Other people enjoy spending time with your children and you enjoy spending time with other people's children. I considered swimming off with Amy Poehler's baby. That baby is just too darn cute!

• Tubing should be an Olympic sport. My friends and I would definitely bring home the gold! The gold goes to Claire, Mia, Kristen and me for our flawless tubing performance.

• Tubing will leave rug-burns on your elbows and any other bodily surface that is repeatedly thrown and tossed around on a tube. Gold medals come at a price!

• Naming your raft is not required but recommended. Our raft, in the words of Kristen Wiig, is the Moms I'd Like to Friend (MILF) raft.

• Children can eat whatever they want.  In other words, 6 handfuls of chips + 2 pieces of cake = dinner.

• Grown-ups can eat whatever they want.  In other words, beer + beer + beer = dinner

• A bratwurst hot tub is a gourmet delicacy. Amy Poehler showed her cooking brilliancy with that one!

• The river life promotes sharing. Mia, Kristen, and Amy seemingly share everything like boats, cottages, campers, food and beverages. They are just so generous they share it all (except husbands, of course. One of those is enough for any woman. Who needs 2?) This makes me think I may just need to move my van down by the river. I could hang with my friends while living out of my van. Do you think they would notice?

All of this to say, the river life rocks!
What a wonderful way to spend an afternoon!

Thank You, Mr. President!

What are the odds?

My tween decided to join me this evening as I watched The Nightly News with Brian Williams, who (by the the way) looks less orange to me than he once did.

Anyway, Brian (I'm on a first name basis with all of my favorite news reporters) showed a clip from The View in which the President of the United States shared that his oldest daughter did not get a cell phone until she was 13, AND she is only allowed to use it on weekends.

Upon hearing the news, my tween's eyes bulged out of their sockets and may have even produced actual tears.  This was clearly breaking news in her world.    J.P. Morgan who?

As my daughter's eyes grew to 4x their actual size, my spirit soared.
Woohoo! Score one to moms everywhere who have tweens desperate for cell phones!

Low and behold, turns out not every tween has a cell phone. My tween was actually misinformed about this.

She recently asked me (for the 60th billionth time) for a phone, I asked her why she needed one.

"So I can text my friends (duh)!"
The "duh" was unspoken, but I know it was there. I just know it.

I looked at my little girl who is growing up too fast and said, "Until you answer that correctly, you are not getting a phone."

Just to be clear, I feel the correct answer is something along the lines of, "So I can call you when I need help and tell you how much I love and appreciate you." I can dream, right?

I just think it's lovely the President is such a stick in the mud, too. I'm happy to be in such good company.

Thank you, Mr. President.
Now do you mind talking to my son publicly about the importance of flushing toilets?

Rush Limbaugh: Portrait of a Man Baby

I am no more surprised that Rush Limbaugh said something offensive and rude to a woman as I am that Spring follows Winter.

I could spend the next several paragraphs outlining the offensiveness of his language and tone towards a particular woman. I could point out that by calling her a slut and a prostitute, he was showing disrespect for all women. I am resisting calling him names like bully and foul-mouthed, narcissistic, Viagra-loving ass. I could rant about his behavior for hours. I could go on and on and on. Behind closed doors I already have. Just ask my husband.

Rush regularly appears to be an insensitive, hypocritical man who lacks any moral compass. I suppose his choice of words and his erroneous analogies shouldn't surprise any of us. His verbal dung flinging attacks are nothing new except he targeted a private citizen. Someone like you and someone like me.

As difficult as it may be to imagine, once upon a time Rush was a baby who needed his mother's milk to survive. Now he's a man baby who needs the milk of advertisers.

Just the thought of Rush as an infant, created a perverse need to know more about his family. So like every other American, I turned to Wikipedia for my facts.

I half expected to learn that he was raised by a pack of wolves as this would be one explanation for his love of carnage. Turns out he comes from a long line of lawyers and judges. That's pretty close to being raised by wolves, right?

He dropped out of college. According to Wikipedia, his mother reported, "he flunked everything." You've got to appreciate a woman who doesn't sugar coat her son's failures.

His father passed away in 1990 and his mother passed away in 2000.
Rush is parentless.

With no mommy to guide him, he has become a rather pathetic Man Baby.
Look at how we have had to parent him this past week:

He says something outrageously offensive. We point it out to him.
"Rush, honey, you can't call a perfect stranger a slut and a prostitute. That's rude."

He seems unfazed by the rebuke so we start taking loads of cash things away.
No more play dates for Rush. Quicken Loans doesn't want to play. Sears and AOL decide to go play in another sandbox.

This seems to get his attention so he sort of apologizes.
Moms know this type of apology well. It lacks appropriate eye contact and is said to the ground with a tone that translates to, "Fine, I said I'm sorry. Can I have my toys back now?"

"No, Rush. You need to apologize and actually mean it."
Rush tries again. He tries three times in a row in one day alone. Only this makes Rush seem desperate, defensive, and no more sincere. Moms know that no one wants to play with a desperate, insincere child.

How all of this will play out remains to be seen. Will the pathetic Man Baby find anyone who accepts his apology? Will his friends return to play with him? Will he ever morph from a Man Baby to an actual man?

I don't know. What I do know is this:

What the sad, little Man Baby really needs right now is a time-out.

Rush, go sit quietly in the corner. We don't want to hear another peep out of you.